HEYYY YOU GUYS!

Calgary Flames general manager Sloth Fratelli named his brother Francis as the team's head coach on Tuesday. Francis, who left the New Jersey Devils earlier this month, takes over from Chester Copperpot who was fired in May after the Flames (AKA The Goonies) lost in the first round of the playoffs for the fourth consecutive season. He is the fourth head coach in five years for the beleaguered NHL franchise. Francis' appointment brings the number of Fratellis working in the Flames organization to four, including Ma Fratelli, Jake Fratelli, Sloth Fratelli, and now Francis, but Sloth said Francis' last name had nothing to do with him landing the job.

The new assistant coaches Mikey Walsh, Clark "Mouth" Devereaux, and Lawrence "Chunk" Cohen have virtually no NHL coaching experience, but Mikey was most recently the head coach of the Calgary Hitmen in the WHL, "Mouth" was the coach of the Flames top affiliate for the past four seasons, and "Chunk", a former Flames goaltender, has been working in the Flames scouting and player development areas.

The new coach with the familiar last name intends to have his new team back playing a familiar style of boring, clutch and grab hockey requiring little or no skill but ample grit and toughness. “Defensive hockey for a coach is the easiest part to teach, it’s about everybody being on the same page. Defensive hockey isn’t just about how you play in your own zone, defensive hockey is about how you play in the neutral zone, defensive hockey is how you play in the offensive zone, defensive hockey is a about puck possession time. That starts in practice and you need everyone committed to doing it,” said Francis Fratelli. “A good defensive team doesn’t mean you can’t be a good team offensively either… Players can still flourish offensively but there is high responsibility defensively when you don’t have the puck in how you do things. That’s their job to make sure it’s implemented.”

Flames General Manager Sloth Fratelli sat next to his brother at the press conference beaming, unable to hide his pleasure and optimism about the team going forward, at one point donning a pirate hat and brandishing a cutlass, he blurted out, “Heyyy you guys!" Later, at a pivotal moment, he ripped his outer shirt open, revealing a t-shirt with the Superman logo underneath, and indicated that the S stands for Sloth before screaming, "Sloth loves Chunk!"